Does he even care about me? When I ask for more, then he pulls away from me.
As far as the dance of intimacy goes, this is a common relational pattern.
It goes something like this;
You feel like you need more from your partner. More reassurance, care, love & affection and you need this to be okay.
In fact, your need has become a kind of anxiety.
You want him to scoop you up in your arms and reassure you of his love.
But when you ask for this, he just pulls further away from you.
Do you know this dance?
For more: http://nicolemathieson.com/he-pulls-away
Whenever I am feeling stuck or like I am neck deep in the struggle, there is one thing that always helps - listening to some Abraham Hicks.
There is something about the way they continually bring the message back to the simple laws of what you focus on you attract - that reminds me of my power and makes it feel that little bit better.
Which is why I jumped at the chance of interviewing my next guest. Sandi Phillips-Melyer spent nearly a decade travelling with Abraham Hicks's - Esther and Jerry absorbing their wisdom and high vibrations.
And right enough, Sandi was a beautiful reminder of the laws of love and attraction.
We talk about;
- Life with Esther and Jerry on the road
- The key to life being - to be okay with "not feeling good"
- How most relationship drama is the thought "I need you to be different so that I can feel better"
- How every issue we have with other people is the mirror of our own issues
And how every relationship you ever have is designed for you to know more of yourself
Are your lady parts numb?
How much feeling is down there?
Tamra Mercieca is all about self-love, and she means on every level. Which means that Tamra really encourages us to love, and care for our vaginas.
Tamra is the founder of Getting Naked, and Yoga for the Vagina. She is a Relationship and Self-Love Therapist, and an author.
If the idea of getting back into a state of love with your vagina makes you uncomfortable, then this episode is for you. Tamra talks us trhough some of the health issues and benefits of having a healthy loving relationship down there.
We also talk about;
I had a revelation recently, it was that the western culture of sexuality really didn’t suit me. In fact, I am pretty sure it doesn’t suit a lot of us.
What I am talking about is our sexual narrative that sex always has to have the aim of orgasm.
I see it like a train on the tracks.
Once we get on the sex train – which could be in the form of touching, petting and kissing – it feels like there is only one destination; orgasm station.
Are you ready for my first interview in 2 years?! Yes? Good!
If your partner were to feed you eggplant for dinner every night, and you didn't like eggplant, you would say something.
Sadly, we don't feel as expressive in the realms of sex and intimacy. We put up with offerings we don't like, year in, year out, and then wonder why we have "lost" our libido.
In my conversation with inter-personal sex therapist Jacqueline Hellyer, we come back often to the food metaphor, particularly eggplant. I love it! I feel that the metaphor really works. You realise how crazily blocked we are around sexual communication.
I want to talk to you, but I can’t find the words, so I am writing to you instead.
I want you to know that I am thinking of you and us. I know that you may not know this, because there is a chasm between us.
It worries me. We haven’t exactly been very connected lately, have we?
This letter to your husband is generic. It is not a personal letter from me to my husband, but more from every woman to her partner.
Clear out your relationship negativity
When we talk about clearing your relationship negativity, what we are really talking about is clearing your resentment.
So I am going to share with you;
The 3 places where resentment really comes from
The 3 destructive effects of resentment build up on your relationship
3 ways for you to release resentment
"I feel lost in my marriage. I don't even know who I am anymore!"
This is a common cry from women in my relationship coaching office.
Do you feel like YOU in your relationship? Like, really who you are?
It can be easy to lose yourself when you are in a long-term relationship.
It can be hard to tell where you start and they begin.
It can be hard to tell what is changing due to age and maturity and constraints of the family.
It can be hard to know what you really want after so many years of compromise.
You thought you were the only one who was mean to their beloved. Sadly, or perhaps, reassuringly, that is not the case. You are in good company.
Being a bitch to the ones we love is common amongst us women.
It is strange isn’t it, that the ones we love the most, get our most bitchy behaviour.
On some level it makes sense, and we can justify it all, I mean, of course we are going to have moments when we get cranky and let loose. But the problem is that we can get stuck in bitch mode, our relationships festering away without things getting better. This is not good for us, nor is it great for our relationship.
We don’t want to be bitches and we don’t want to push away a good man or a good relationship.
This post aims to help you gain awareness around your relationship "bitch" so that you can feel more in control of your reactions and feel like you are building the loving, safe relationship that you really want.
Understand your attachment style
Relationships can be baffling.
But there is a way to understand why we react the way we do.
In my client sessions, one of the first things we explore are attachment styles. These are learned reactions, behaviours and tendencies that we exhibit in our intimate relationships. When you understand your and your partner’s attachment style, it becomes a whole lot easier to navigate the relationship.
Learn to repair.
If you’re feeling worried about the fights, arguments or tense moments between you and your partner. If they seem to sit there, looming like a big unspoken white elephant in the room, causing even more tension, don’t stress.
All couples argue.
Instead of focussing on avoiding it, focus on repair; the most important skill you can learn in your relationship.
My guest this week is my friend and client Marianne Buchanan. Over the past 3 years. I have watched Marianne move from attracting relationships that were manipulative and at times violent to a mutual attraction that is beautiful and nurturing. Her relationship attractor field has up-levelled so efficiently and effectively that I couldn’t wait to pick her brains and find out how she did it, and so gracefully.
We talk about:
+ Moving from a religious, traditional marriage – to dating women
+ Healing the relationship with her mother
+ Relationship red flags – what to look for
+ The unspoken and unexpected occurrence of violence in lesbian relationships
+ Marianne’s huge losses of 2016 and how her grief now inspires her and helps her put relationships in perspective
+ The unending benefits of caring for self
For more info go to www.nicolemathieson.com/podcast19
Bryan Reeves refers to himself as the relationship insight ninja and after our chat – I would have to agree with him. Bryan was raised predominantly by strong women, who infused his world with vision and service and left him with a deep reverence for the capacity of women and what they bring to the world. Yet this, for most of Bryan’s adult life did not translate into relationship success. His last 6 years have been committed to exploring his ignorance and searching for the answer to “Why do my girlfriends get so pissed off at me?”. In his search he has had to challenge his approach, in particular his response to dealing with emotions.
Bryan also shares with us:
+ Why boundaries are so important to create the safe container within which we can thrive
+ The three stages of relationship and how we can move out of co-dependency and into inter-dependency
+ How to bring out the best in our men
+ What men really find attractive in women and how we can bring more of it
+ The masculine myth as aposed to the feminine myth and why they really aren’t working for us
For more info go to www.nicolemathieson.com/podcast18
Today's episode of Unbreakable is a little different. I felt the need to talk about the shift in direction for Unbreakable - a direction towards exploring love, intimacy and relationships. To do this, I have invited back my podcast expert friend, Alana Helbig from Untangled.
Alana helps me explore why I believe that as women we need more practical support as we manage the epic, soulful, evolutionary experience that our relationships offer us.
I also share;
- the big crisis / expansion points that have shifted my relationship
-My theory on intimacy and how it triggers us and why this is so often mistaken for us being with the wrong partner
-How marriage as an institution is evolving and changing with the times
-How relationships are like life and death - they don't last forever so we must treasure what we have
-how honesty seems to work and has never let me down
For more info go to www.nicolemathieson.com/podcast17
In this episode of Unbreakable I talk to my beloved Kundalini yoga teacher Sirgun Lindsay- German.
Once a week I show up on my mat in front of Sirgun as she inspires me to push through an entire cycle of mental anguish , physical pain, resistance and surrender and if I am lucky – break through. As we discuss in this interview, kundalini is preparation for life in general and in particular, marriage. Our intimate realtionship are not always going to feel wonderful and expansive – we are not always going to be aligned and connected, we may even be filled with hate and anger at times – but things cycle and process through. If we stick with it we break through. Sirgun has broken through many things – from her reflex to leave when things got tough, to her neediness for love. She finds herself now 17 years into her marriage, with a cheeky rekindling of her love affair with her husband.
Sirgun shares with us:
+ How Kundalini helped her find herself as a new wife and mother
+ Why her children are no longer her priority – her relationship with her husband is
+ Why we can get so triggered by the masculine sun energy and how to love it instead
+ The importance of embracing our feminine moon energy
+ How being passive aggressive made her PMS much worse
+ Her commitment to loving the one she’s with
For more info go to www.nicolemathieson.com/podcast16
A few years back Cassie Mendoza-Jones put her heart, soul, time and money into a big work project. This project came to her easily and felt effortless and joyful. It felt like she was in total alignment, so you can imagine how devastating it was for her when the project did not achieve the success she was hoping for.
In fact this so called failure had her down. Losing faith in herself, her intuition and the universe she was forced to go deeply into her own healing. In this experience she could see how hard she was on herself- how controlling she was of her life and how easy it was for her to get stuck in the “doing” rather than the “being”.
Cassie also shares with us:
+ Why showing up and doing the inner work is much more than just “doing the work”
+ How she has had to redefine goal setting and success so that she is less controlling and more allowing
+ Why allowing things to be as they are, leaves space for things to be even better than you could possibly imagine
+ Why it was just so hard for her to forgive herself and how a health crisis forced her to really go there
+ How her mother first initiated her intuition at a toy shop and how she keeps this alive these days with automatic writing
for more info go to www.nicolemathieson.com/podcast14
Sarah Durham Wilson has had her fair share of moments on the bathroom floor, including one years ago that initiated a full kundalini awakening and her spiritual path into Do it girl.
At the time of this interview, Sarah was there again, in the dark. Darkness initiated, amongst other things, by the loss of her beloved fur baby and navigating motherhood alone.
Sarah doubted whether she could be on a show called Unbreakable whilst feeling so broken, but this is precisely what I love about this episode. She is in it, feeling it all, stripped back to nothing and opening up to us about the experience - the pain, the teachings and the richness. And even there, deep in it, she is able to trust her own unbreakable spirit.
As is always the case in any conversation with Sarah, this interview is laced with mythology, mysticism and imagery that brings her words to life and transports us to worlds and possibilities beyond our own.
Sarah also shares with us:
+ How being in the dark does not mean being in agony
+ The journey of Innana and why stripping back to nothing can be so full of richness
+ The hard learned lesson that nobody is coming to save us - we have to save ourselves
+ The epic journey from maiden to mother to crone and where she is at right now
+ Where she goes to get her guidance in moments of fear - think mystical and magical!
+ Why she is ready for battle and suited up & how activism is no longer a choice
"My libidinous energy is fed when I am connecting with women, my partner
writing or doing something delicious. Giving myself permission to own that this is how my libido works"
Lauren White gives us permission. Permission to tend to the things that we love and trust that the energy of that flows into every part of our life....She says that it is one and the same as our sexuality and that lagging libido is not just about the bedroom. She also gives us permission to change and be fluid. Because, let's face it, that is what it is to be feminine. This interview felt like a huge relief to me. Yes. Thank you. I do not need to feel bad about these things. They are the essence of femininism and the sparks for change that we need to see in the world.
Lauren also shares:
+ The libido crash and crazy hormones that made 2016 her bathroom floor year
+ Mother guilt - as she asks herself "Why aren't I like those other mums wanting to just spend time with my kids?"
+ How keeping her sexual flame alive is not a job segregated off into the bedroom
+ The best sex advice you could ever get - and her reason for not actually giving sex tips
+ How connecting with women is where she finds her inspiration, guidance and her reason for being
+ How marriage is changing and becocming less restrained and inflexible
+ And finally why speaking up is her biggest evolutionary challenge at the moment, and why it is so important for women
For the show notes and more info go to www.nicolemathieson.com/podcast12